1. Turn the water on, in the bathtub because the sink fills up too quickly, in case your parents hear the retching and the coughing, in case they miraculously become observant in the twenty minutes that you're crouched over the toilet.
2. Tie your hair back, put in a thick headband. Toilet water splashes far, and carries half-digest spew with it.
3. Take out your toothbrush. Not the new one, but the old one, with the tapered end just thick enough for this purpose.
4. Shove it down your throat.
5. Strip. Feel your rib cage, the bones of your collar, your spine, and your wrists, to make sure they haven't been engulfed by more of you; disgusting you.
6. Take a long, hot shower. Try to scrub yourself away.
Repeat as necessary.
...
My parents always make me dinner, they never watch me eat it. I felt weak today, more weak than usual. My toenails were bright purple where I'd picked off some of the polish, incredibly unhealthy, and I told myself I'd eat a little. Just enough to get myself some energy to study for my pre-cal test.
But one bite and I'm like a shark sniffing blood. I pounce on the food like a disgusting pig, and eat all of it and then some.
I should have hidden it in my napkin like I always do.
:( This makes me feel a little bit sad. It's not fair that you have to feel this way. Hang in there, lovely. I'm here for you.
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